Give me an H-Y-P-O-C-R-I-T-E!

hy·poc·ri·sy/hiˈpäkrisē/

Noun:

The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.

In high school I knew this kid who was the most laid back person I had ever met. I would even describe him as a "hippie." I had heard he fit the stereotype well, pot and all (He denies this now). We were close friends and I had this massive crush on him for years. He was a major gentleman, not too opinionated, just the sweetest kind of guy with some dark blond hair and rock hard abs (I digress). When I was dating his best friend who just so happened to be an ass hole, he stood up for me, tried to convince me to drop kick the kid far far away.

After high school he didn't go on a mission, a fact which I am totally cool with. I think that the people in the LDS church put too much pressure on kids to go on missions. A mission is not for everyone, no matter how much you think it should be. If you have so much faith in and love something so much that you want to go out and share it with everyone, I admire you. However, I would not be one of those people. I would not make it, not only because I'm one of the weirdest Mormons you'll ever meet, but also because I have GAD and being in that situation would probably drive me to have a nervous breakdown. We can't force kids to go out and proselyte to everyone any more than we can force them to clean their rooms. My friend, we'll call him Sam, didn't feel a mission was right for him, and I supported him.

We lost touch for a while, except for via facebook, and I noticed a change in him. A one hundred and eighty degree change. A change that I still don't fully believe has happened. It was gradual for a little while and then BOOM one day he was a right wing religious nut job. Not to call all right wingers nut jobs. No way. This is a special type of right wing (or left wing) that is so far right (or left) that their ideas seem almost ridiculous *cough* michellebachmann *cough*. Not only did he become this special kind of crazy, but he now uses his religion to back it up.

I don't understand this.

I may have different views but I don't claim my religion tells me these views are correct. I say that I feel that they are right, but that my feelings could be wrong. I fully admit that I don't have all the answers, and sometimes I'm using my heart of hearts and my logic to determine what I think.

As a preface: Nowhere in the scriptures does it say that we should hate gay people. Nowhere does it say that we should dislike those who are different from us. In fact, if Jesus were still alive, He would love these people, talk to them, discuss with them, and NEVER force His ideas upon them.

So when I said that I didn't support prop 8 and that I supported the LGBT community, my friend Sam basically told me that I was a bad Mormon, and "how dare" I "disagree with the leaders of the church." He went on for a few minutes about the fallacy of my thoughts. If anyone else had said this to me, I may have just shrugged it away, but Sam and my sister were now good friends and I had insight into his life. Sam liked to go to bars with someone close to me and he also liked to feel her up pretty good. Neither of these bothers me by themselves. My friends drink, and I mentioned that I was a bit of a tramp in high school, so obviously I've got no issues with other people getting down and dirty. I do, however, have a problem with someone using the church against me or others, especially when that person isn't following his/her own rules to live by.

In order to attend temple sessions you have to do a few things. You have to pay tithing, you have to obey the Word of Wisdom, you have to respect your fellow man and treat them in accordance, you have to obey the law of chastity, and you have to support the leaders of the church. This is the gist of the temple recommend interview and every other church interview. For anyone who reads this who is not LDS the WoW basically says don't drink or partake of anything that is addicting or unhealthy for your body. This includes alcohol, tobacco, drugs, coffee, and teas that contain tannin (not herbal teas). The law of chastity is about not having sex or being a part of sexual acts outside of marriage--including unfaithfulness to a spouse, and all of the things I did in high school (oops. Repenting sucks.)

I have a temple recommend. I can answer "yes" to all of those questions asked of me by my bishop in a temple recommend interview.. To an LDS person the temple is the ultimate goal. It's a place of peace and wisdom, a place to think and ponder. It is a place to get closer to the Lord-- Sacred marriages are performed here, families are united forever. Again for those of you not in the church, or who haven't been, I'm sorry we don't talk about exactly what goes on inside the temple. I will discuss my thoughts on this later (basically the temple is beautiful. I love the celestial room. The whole experience is kind of...boring not in a bad way--just in an it's-really-not-that-big-of-a-secret way). To be allowed inside the temple means that you should be following the basic principles of the church, unless you lie.  It encompasses all of the most important principles. When it is asked "do you drink soda pop?" or "Do you have a disdain for gay marriage?" I will probably not go to the temple anymore...

My point is that I feel that I am doing a pretty damn good job. I'm not perfect, but I strive to be a good person and respect the wishes of my church. Sam judged me for an opinion, a feeling, that isn't exactly the same as everyone else's. I don't live in California. I didn't protest prop 8. I just felt that it was wrong. Sam, on the other hand, was doing things that are against the wishes of the church (things I don't give a rat's ass about) while judging me profusely and making me feel as if I don't belong in a church that teaches that church is for everyone. I don't care what he was doing. It doesn't bother me that he was drinking or getting busy with my friend. It does bother me that his actions were the very definition of the word hypocritical. Who is he to look anyone else and say they are not doing what the Lord wants? Who am I? Who is anyone? The difference between most of us and people like Sam is that most of us don't put ourselves on a pedestal while putting others in a deeply dug hole in the middle of the earth. When he decided not to go on a mission I applauded his bravery for standing strong on a very controversial issue in the church. When I announced that I don't feel it's right to disallow the gay population an equal right, he condemned and criticized me for my feeling.

The church I belong to stands for being there for people, for supporting them when they are feeling weak or down. Church is a place for those who need it most, those who are not perfect, those who are struggling, and those who need guidance. The people tend to make this not so. I'm not sure what makes some people so egocentric, unable to empathize with others. The people that need to be at church most are the people who are most belittled for being there, like it is a place of perfection, and your imperfect hands will taint the very walls with their sins. Women hear a young teenager is pregnant, and instead of taking her in, tell their children to stay away. Someone struggles with pornography and all avoid this someone like he or she is filled with a disease that could be spread on. A man cheats on his wife and people don't want him to come to class or teach their children in scouts, when that is the very place he should be to feel better, to learn lessons, to realize his mistake.

I've got news for you. We all make mistakes.

The only one that can tell you or I that something is indeed a sin is God. We have no right to judge the inherent rightness or wrongness of another person's actions, because for every commandment, there will always be exceptions. There will always be circumstances, and only the Lord (if there is one) knows what is inside our hearts. What if that pregnant girl was raped? What if she was coerced? What if she was just confused? Maybe you have heard about that person looking at pornography because he is trying to change. Maybe that husband is trying to figure out his life again, and the only place he feels peace and can sort out his feelings is in his position at church. My God doesn't push people away. The God I read about doesn't condemn us. He loves us. He is the perfect Daddy, who hushes our tears, and holds us after mistakes are made, to watch us cry and stroke our cheeks. My God, my Heavenly Father, loves us no matter what we do, and besides the individual, only He is the one that holds all of the keys to the situation, and our hearts.

So Sam, you now think that everything is so black and white, when really that would give us a very dreary world. In your Black and White world, you can never possibly be pure white, so I suppose you are the blackest black.  In my world there is color and progression and diversity. I am somewhere in the middle, working one step towards the white white white. Which world would you rather live in?

How can we judge another person's supposed flaws, when we ourselves contain so many things to "fix?"

hy·poc·ri·sy/hiˈpäkrisē/

Noun:

The practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.

Don't Put People in a Box

A few months back I was on a plane from Salt Lake City to Seattle to visit my husband's family. I always get nervous when I'm one of the first people on a plane, because I have to watch people sizing me up, deciding whether or not they want to sit by me. It's a pretty freaky situation for me, because sometimes it is a male who just wants to hit on me, and sometimes it's a really fat dude/lady who pushes me into the aisle with their massive mid section, and sometimes it's the kid who kicks the seat in front of him and wipes his boogers on my arm rest.

Nice.

This time, however, I sat next to two dudes who seemed as laid back as I am/ want to be. One had some odd piercings that I wanted to touch profusely, and the one in the middle excitedly told us that his dad was a pilot so he gets lots of free alcohol vouchers and would totally give us some. I politely declined, you know, thanks but no thanks, and we began to talk about stuff like life and religion. He was really excited that he sat by some "cool kids," and had picked us out on purpose, because we looked normal and cool, "not like any of those Mormons." Now obviously, because you have seen my blog title you know I am Mormon, but I wasn't offended. I don't like to appear like the loud part of Utah (a minority everywhere else) that seem to bother so many, so I quickly surveyed myself to see why he hadn't made this assumption about me. Apparently I don't look Mormon. Apparently Mormons have a certain look. Apparently I am not it.

Let's see I've got my skinny jeans, my own band's t-shirt, some bleach blonde hair. Is it the neon orange and fire engine red streak that's taking up the side of my head? Do I have some odd not mormon swagger?....
Oh yeah. Maybe it also is because I have a star of David hanging off my neck.


That's right. I'm also Jewish. My mom is Jewish-converted-Mormon, and brought me up knowing that I was still Jewish no matter what else I may be. I guess I could explain it like this: If you walked into a synagogue and said, "Hey rabbi I want to be Jewish!" He'd be like, "You be straight trippin'. Fill out all this stuff, and do a bunch of other stuff, and maybe you can be Jewish." But if I came into a synagogue and said, "Rabbi I want to be Jewish!" He'd be like, "Dude... you already are." Does that make sense? If Mom = Jewish, then Kids=Jewish.

So back to the plane---I giggled at this Middle Seat Kid, because he and most other people, including fellow Mormons (or LDSes), like to put other Mormons in some box and that box is all we can be, and all we can aspire to be. Middle Seat spent an hour or two telling me how Mormons hate gay people, we judge everyone, we don't swear, we have a million children, we get married just to have sex and be kinky with our ladies/men, we're all crazy republicans, and basically just that we are terrible people.

This is a pretty simplified version of the conversation, and granted, a lot of the stereotypes fit many of the Utah members (Don't freak out. It's okay. Stereotypes have to come from somewhere). I really just had to laugh, though, at his judging a group of people he claims judge everyone else. I never told him I'm a Mormon...Jew, and sometimes I wish I would have, just to see that awesome look on his face when he realized that he had been bashing something he thought I wasn't a part of for the better part of two hours.

Here's the point: In my lifetime I have experimented with many different identities. Until the age of about fifteen I was the really good kid. I got good grades. I went to church. I pretended to be perfect, with some little mishaps thrown in (At 12 I flashed some boys in my neighborhood during truth or dare, because I was the only girl that had some boobs). At fifteen I was mommy's perfect angel... After age fifteen I got confused. I was lots of things. I was a straight A student, but I was a bit of a ho/slut/skank/whore, at least by Utah standards. If you're confused this means I got around, but I never had sex because I didn't want no babies. I stopped going to my church. I changed how I dressed about five times a year. I got to college and made out with somewhere around 50ish guys. I don't know. Really. I lost count at 44. I got tired of doing that and figured out that I was in love with my best friend. After a year and a half we got married. I came back to church. It wasn't until this past year that I really started to solidify the stuff that is who I am.

At times I have struggled with my religion. I was/am not the same as "everyone else," that box of people--that tiny little box of people. I always wondered how I could be who I was and be Mormon. How could I change my opinions and inner beliefs? Most of my friends dealing with the same issues have now left this church. They found that they couldn't be who were and stay strong. Some just didn't believe it anymore. Some of them are a lot like Mr. Middle Seat on my flight to Seattle. On the opposite spectrum I have lots of stereotypical LDS friends: semi-judgmental, doting young wives, that dropped out of college to get married and have lots of children, be stay-at-home moms etc., etc. I make no judgments on who they are or where they are with their lives. On both sides there are great people and great friends. But I am not like them.

I am the Middle, and I'm totally fine with it.

I am here to say that you can be whoever you want to be. You can believe whatever you want to believe. Cultural and religious restraints have no hold on who you are, and the only person that can alienate you from anything is yourself. That's why I am starting this blog. To say to anyone who finds it that we Mormons/religious/group members are not all the same. We don't all fit into your little box. And if you want to be a part of this religion or any other religion or any group and feel that it's right for you, then to hell with anyone who tells you that you can't be who you feel you are and stay strong in what you believe.  I am a part of this church, because it is right for me, because I like the person it makes me. It pushes me, and it's the closest to my ultimate wants, dreams, and ideas. I make it work for me. I do not work for it.

So as an introduction to whatever I do with this blog:

I am a backwards (Jewish) Mormon.

I do not believe that there is one right way to God. I don't care if someone isn't Mormon. I don't care if someone isn't Christian. I don't care if someone doesn't believe in God. I believe that what is right for me may not be what is right for you.

I support the LBGTQ community. In fact when someone tells me that they are gay, I cheer for them. I actually put my hands up in the air and shout, "yaaay!" because they are being who they are in a society that makes it hard to be that way.

I am a gay rights activist.

I swear like a sailor.

I am my own kind of feminist.

I do not want to be a full time stay-at-home mom.

I don't want to have kids for around five or six or seven years, even though I've been married for two.

I don't want to give birth to a bunch of babies. I will not become a vortex of children.

I'm a video game fanatic. My husband and I play Halo as part of our dates.

I've been told by members to get out of my church, because "I don't belong there."

I watch the movies that I want to watch and feel are okay.

I believe church and state should be kept separate.

There is no rule that says you can't drink soda.

I am a temple recommend holding member of the church.

I like to dye my hair odd colors.

I'm not a republican.

I'm not a democrat either.

But I am socially liberal,

Even though I hate politics because it makes douches out of people.

I celebrate Christmas and Hanukkah, Easter and Passover.

I enjoy going to other people's religious ceremonies.

I teach primary.

I am more of a spiritual person, and not a religious person.

I attend church every week because it makes me feel good.

My husband and I have a roommate. Contrary to what all of my Mormon friends say, it's not weird. It actually rocks.

I'm not secretly hoping you become Mormon.

I don't have a problem being who I am and staying a strong part of my religion.

No one has to apologize to other people for who they are. I'm a backwards Mormon and I'm not sorry about it.